Dear Friend,
Everyone is special and we all have different ways to go, but I think all the ways are leading to one thing- happiness, and I guess I got it! In this post I would like to share with you my story, which is pretty long, but I will try my best to keep it short..
This story will be more of a reflection of my personal life, hence feelings and emotions I have been through and personal qualities I gained. If you would like to read more of my career story, I would recommend to check out this post.
I was raised in Novosibirsk, third biggest city-metropolitan in Russia (yyeeaahh, we even have 13 metro stations, haha ). Novosibirsk is an amazing place with variety of everything, like weather conditions and PEOPLE. People are very important to me. I love people!
I was born in Akademgorogok (which is a part of Novosibirsk and can be translated as “the city of science”), as you can guess, most of all best research universities are located there, Akademgorodok is also home for many Russian talented scientists. My dad wasn’t an exception and was studying Optical Physics and Cartography. During my childhood I would listen to “fairytales” about Black Holes, Cosmos, Parallel Universes, and Quantum Physics: these are favorite dad’s topics, and so mine are as well. Cosmos, sciences, quantum and theoretical physics fascinate me, almost as much as people!
Then blah-blah-blah (long story): my parents divorced, I studied in 4 different school (private, public, Lyceum, Gymnasium), lived in 12 different places, was dancing, swimming, singing, playing piano. In other words, developing in all possible fields, thank my parents for all the wonderful opportunities.
When I was 14 my adulthood started: shortly, crisis in Russia had not passed by my family and we didn’t have money. I decided to support myself and went to work as a housekeeper (in Russia you can’t legally work till you are 16, and usually there are no jobs for young people, especially in Novosibirsk, where people with degrees are barely able to find a position). But I was lucky and found amazing employees. I was studying and working, working and studying, sleeping, working, and studying… Ahh, liifee… For two years straight that was my lifestyle, and you know what happened? I became happy! That was the period when I have learned three very important things:
FEEL
When you are living in a routine: school-work-sleep-school-work and etc, you are forgetting your true soul and personality, since you just don’t have any time to take care of it.. Money, we all know.. But I am so grateful I have been in this circle and successfully got out from it. Being in such routine taught me how to enjoy “small things” (but actually most important things, unfortunately, society created pretty bad conditions for people to actually grow and develop qualities that truly matter and joyful) and find positive views on any situation. For example, every day after middle school I would go help a family with housekeeping, then would walk back to NOT MY home at 10pm to wake up and go to the school next morning. And here is how I was seeing it:
I always believed that “clean and organized surroundings is clean and balanced mind”, so I was helping people to be more organized, hence productive, that means that they have done more useful things for others! First couple of month when I walked back from work, I would always look for things that would amaze me (like a snowflake falling down, or steer light reflect of puddles and etc), then it became my habit and I started noticing how amazing surroundings and people are.
***Seriously, you are so special! Everyone is so unique: there are no identical people in the world! We all have special skin, eyes, hair, faces, bodies, minds, thoughts, ideas, life stories, and a lot more that is only about YOU. Isn’t it amazing?***
SEE
At that time I started feeling and seeing something, that many people wouldn’t notice: I would just go and talk to people on the streets, try to guess what they feel and their reaction… It was always (and still) so fascinating for me to learn about people and open them up for the sincere feelings and emotions. I was always a very genuine person, I just don’t know how to act or pretend. If I am truly enjoying something I put my full energy, emotions, and soul into it and that makes me an “alive” and creative personality.
ENJOY AND LOVE
From my story I learned how to appreciate and be grateful for everything. I don’t know who or what that is, but there is definitely something more powerful than us. I believe that this energy helped me a lot (or maybe it’s just a projection of my own mindset). I learned how to enjoy just from walking, sitting, doing something or nothing, how to just enjoy by being in this world and having the opportunity to share my thoughts, emotions, and love with others.
Then…
When I turned 15 another important event happened in my life. My mom told me and my younger sister that we are moving to the USA, but first she has to go there for a year without us.
Okeeii! So well, mom left and we moved to my dad’s studio apartments, which was about 40 miles away from the place where we lived with my mom for 6 years (so all my friends were there). My dad’s apartments were really old and it was a studio, so me, my younger sister (10 yo at the time), and my dad all had to sleep in one room. Since I love being comfortable and cozy I at least wanted to make the space look a little prettier and cozier, so I decided to repair the apartments myself since nobody else was interested in making it cozy for us…
I peeled of 4 layers of wallpapers (previous owner were just too lazy to do that and were gluing one on top of another, haha!), sanded the walls, put new wallpapers, painted them, changed flooring, trashed a looot of old stuff, bought new furniture from thrift shops/people (I remember that day so clearly, the furniture pieces were all in different parts of the county and I had to ride around on a truck with a mover and move it with him). I made my dad’s apartments look as nice as I could. I went to a new school, I was really sad. My mom was gone, my dad wasn’t understanding about our move and was scaring us with “Russian news about USA” (unfortunately, government channels prefer talking about other countries, rather than its own..), I didn’t have anyone I could talk.
Not having friends was also making me really sad so I decided to be on my own and went to live with a friend back to that area where we were living with mom. My friend’s parents were wealthy people and bought an apartments for my friend. That’s where I was living with my friend, I had a mattress by a sofa. I was working as a housekeeper everyday after school as we didn’t have any money support and studying. I recently found my notebook from around that time and remembered how I was planing my budget by counting expenses including $0.20 bus rides.
8 months passed by.. “YAY!”, I thought, “FINALLY WE ARE MOVING TO THE USA”!
Before leaving Russia I dreamed about having my own bed (not a mattress on the floor), FREE time to take care of myself and for hobbies, happy mom and step-father, and OPPORTUNITIES. I dreamed..
We moved to the USA!
I moved to the USA with the hope to have a place I could call “home” and people I could call “family”. Shortly, it didn’t work. My step-father didn’t want us and instead we have got cameras inside the house, understanding of “mental disorders”, and total control over my life by someone with mental issues.
It was especially sad because I didn’t have ANYTHING AT ALL. I was 16, I didn’t understand or spoke English, in a new country with completely different culture, no friends, and pretty much no family (my mom was too busy with her life and my sister was to young to share with, I never wanted to put any burden on her), no money, no degree.
No matter what situations I got into I was always working hard to keep my values untouchable. I didn’t let anything or anyone ruin these things:
-My cozy little clean space (my corner/home/shelf, whatever that was, was always organized and clean).
-Healthy food.
-Being responsible for myself (my feelings, emotions, and everything I put in this world; I should say though that situation with my step-father and family hurt me a lot, I lost the love for myself and other for a few years, but it’s coming back now..).
-Inner peace and calmness (no matter how difficult the situation was I was always doing my best to stay balanced, if I had to physically get out from that place to feel calm- I did, just like I did with my dad, and that’s exactly what I did with my step-father as soon as I got a chance to escape).
So yes, we were living with our step-father, sometimes it was really good and I felt like it was possible to become friends or at least have good relationships, sometimes it was really bad and sad.. But on the back of my head I knew I will have to move out as soon as I get a chance. I finished high school in one year instead of two (I also finished ESL class in 2 months, even though I was in the states for about 5 months in total) with a pretty good GPA (3.5) and accept into a college. 2 months before I should have started the college my step-father sent my mom an email saying that I either have to move out and be on my own or pay him rent and buy my own food, which I am guessing is a normal thing in the states, but it was wild to me considering that I only have been in the states for 1,5 years and I literally had nothing and nobody.
And of course I moved out, but then I had a camera and $1000 (everything about photography and how it worked out is in this post).
So, here I am: alone in a foreign country, without any financial support, home, my culture, moral support (I didn’t have friends, my mom wasn’t in a good place and couldn’t share with me “energy” or “warmth”, and I absolutely understand them, it was uneasy period for all of us; I was helping my mom with money and would always listen to her complaining about my step-father, but nobody asked how I felt, and now looking back at it I am a little mad, I just don’t understand how).
You are sitting in a rented room. Nobody is around. You realize that there is no way back and the only things you can relay on is yourself, positive attitude, and belief in this wonderful world. No connections, almost no money ($300, after I paid $700 for rent). First three questions I asked myself was: “How did it all happened? What do I do? What do I feel?”.
Since you know what happened from the story above and I will tell you in a second what happened next, let me start with the last question: “WHAT DO I FEEL?”.
I felt betrayed, I felt like nobody understands me, I felt uncertainty, I felt sadness. I came to the USA with the hope to feel home (and let’s say the choice of coming here was made in between two not very promising scenarios, I choose the better one: go somewhere I didn’t have anyone (but my mom and younger sister) and anything at all, but at least have the opportunities to express myself, help others, and create the life I want, rather than staying in a country where I will have friends, but almost no opportunities to grow and develop)).
Let’s talk about basics of human’s nature a little, what is that? I would say it’s curiosity and love. These two words were always my priorities, I was developing while sharing love and supporting people around of me. When I moved here, unfortunately first thing I discovered, through the circle of “closest” people was materialism (which is absolutely against of sincere love, help, and curiosity). That was very difficult, but I am not the kind of person who gives up on my own values. As you probably understand, my “perception” of the USA wasn’t positive and shiny. I was scared and closed, I couldn’t believe people can think this way.
I just felt betrayed. It made me think that I can’t trust anyone, but myself. But at the same time, I kept the values for love and curiosity. I had two worlds in one head. First: materialistic (the society), where you only get if you work hard and “love/help” if you ONLY want or need something, ONLY on the beneficial base. Second: where you just love/help and don’t except anything back, just because you do (my head). I was living in both. I would treat people the way I think is right: with love, but at the same time I would’t allow anyone to treat me this way because I knew how the rules are in the society here and I hated the feeling “owing” (but again, that was only because of the perception I have got from the fist year of living here, unfortunately, I haven’t met right people back then). I wouldn’t trust anyone and I felt like people here were materialistic, soulless, and sick. It took me some time to get over the perception and start seeing people in a different way.
“WHAT DO I DO?”
I decided to take a full time job as a barista (“just in case”, I was already doing photography, but I was so scared to fail and not to survive that it seemed to me as a great backup plan in case photography won’t be bringing much). I don’t know if it was a mistake or not, but I was working 9h/day and would spend 3 hours everyday to get there (I didn’t have a car at that time) on weekdays; working as a photographer and videographer on weekends; on my breaks between shifts I was editing, marketing, talking to clients, and making movies. Obviously I wasn’t even thinking about making friends as I only had energy to survive. In 6 months I got sick (I can count how many times I was sick in my conscious life, it wasn’t natural to me). I got up on Saturday morning and I was so tired that I literally was falling down and crying, I had fever and headache. But I had to shoot a little ceremony that day and I went to get ready for it.. I remember laying down on bathroom floor straightening my hair and crying, haha.. Then I got a message that they had to cancel the ceremony due to personal reason and oh I was so relieved. I never felt so sick in my life before.. For about a week I was just laying in bed and getting better, I asked my roommates to get some medicine. While I was laying there I realized that I need a vacation. By then I had $6500 saved from non-stop working and saving, I decided to..
Traveled through couchsurfing.com to the Bahamas. I went to the Bahamas and I was so amazed by how beautiful that is.. That blue water, white the sand, I sneaked into Atlantis and hang out there for a day.. I realized that I need to change something in my life and take it to the next level.
I got back from The Bahamas, quit the job, and went to Russia to take photography, videography, filmmaking, sound engineering, graphic design, makeup, and styling courses. Pretty much all the courses I could take to just become my own boss. On my saved money I rented apartments in Russia, paid for the courses, and lived there for 3 months while studying and doing everything I dreamed about, but couldn’t afford (like going to restaurants, coffee shops, and some other simple pleasures).
I returned to the US and paid my stepfather to share the room with my younger sister for 2 months. Then I found a room at a house in MD and moved there, the house was pretty far from any public transportation and I still didn’t have a car so the only places I would go to were the photography jobs. At that time I promised myself to take care of myself and only take photography jobs, be my own boss. And I made it, I started making money only by doing photography. I was realizing that I desperately need a car, but I was only 18 and there was something to do with the laws where even if I am ready to drive I wouldn’t be able till I wait 9 months to take the exam, so I had to wait till I turned 19 (this way I only would need to wait for 3 month till I can take the exam). I took the test and passed it on my birthday, then I had 3 months to get ready for the exam, but I didn’t have anyone to practice with or even a car to practice on so I had to hire an instructor to teach me.. And now it seems to me like nothing special, but I remember how I would force myself to spend $50 to drive around with the instructor for an hour. So yes, as soon as 3 months were gone I went to DMV and passed the exam. I got the printed paper (not even the driver’s license) and the next day went to get a car. Surprisingly, even though I didn’t have any credit history and only $2500 for the downpayment the salesman was able to find a bank to give me the loan, I WAS SO HAPPY! I remember driving my new car for the first time, my mom and step-father were shocked..
At that time one of my step-father’s sons moved out and his room was free, he said that if I would pay him rent and take care of my own food he won’t get into my life and we agreed. I was paying $450/month to rent the room. I was living there to be closer to my sister and mom, since I now had the car I could take my sister where she wanted/needed to go. I lived there for a year while working as a photographer (by then I had lots of clients).
I also started traveling between the states for weddings and once went to shoot a wedding and also to visit my cousin in FL. Unexpectedly, I found out that my favorite band is playing a few miles away from where my cousin lived, so for sure I had to go! That’s where I have met my man, Jordan. By then I knew I will be moving to WA (a few months before I went to FL I checked out WA and fell in love with this state as soon as I landed, everything felt like home, I knew I will be living there) and invited Jordan to come visit me in WA in a few months as he also wanted to move there, but oops, something went wrong and we both decided that to stick together till we can move to WA together. So I moved to live in FL for a year.
My biggest issue with FL was the heat, I can’t stand the heat, never could. Whenever it would get 80+ in my city I would faint anywhere outside, so FL was bad for me. I loved being so close to Jordan’s family and during the winter time it was perfect, but I couldn’t deal with the heat at all. So in June, 2019 we moved to WA! By then we had 2 cats and a dog.
We drove to WA for 10 days with two cats and a dog, we finally made it here! I found a really nice apartments and we lived there for a year. On my 22nd Birthday (April 30th, 2020) Jordan took me to a cabin at a beautiful location and I fell in love with that cabin. I got a new dream from my birthday trip- a house.. But I knew that it is unrealistic for us to have a house for now, so I started thinking about different ways to get to my dream as close as possible and here is what I came up with..
We wanted to build a tiny house ourselves (Jordan is a woodworker), but we only had 3,5 months till our lease in the apartments was over and it was also in the “begging” COVID so tiny house would take too long with all the approvals, we needed something quicker and less complicated. That’s why we got a camper.. We got an old camper and fully rebuilt it on the inside in 3 month including fulling ripping out the roof, all walls, flooring, furniture, literally everything on the inside (1 ton of trash, every time we took the trash out it would show the weight and it was a ton of trash). We fully redesigned and rebuilt everything on the inside: build nice life-edge countertops and dining area, new kitchen, shower, closet, flooring, celling, roof, windows, installed wood-stove, I rewired whole camper myself, and we even made our faucets ourselves. Pretty much everything in our camper is handmade. It was crazy 3 months, we were sleeping 3h/day..I found a beautiful spot on a private property to park and we moved in.After that it took us another 2 months to finish some smaller things on the inside.
Around that time I realized that I am really sad and have a lot of weight on my shoulders. I finally started to realize what was happening to me fro so long: I was running, I was surviving, I wouldn’t let myself relax for a day, I HAD TO SURVIVE. I was getting really sad. For about 5 months I was trying to figure out and clear my head, it worked and another important event…
I opened a photography studio, just like I always wanted. While I was making my career dreams come true I was also trying to fill up a huge hole inside, find the energy to actually enjoy my life again. I started working with a physiologist, doing breathing exercises and meditation (even thought I wasn’t doing it everyday I started just putting the thought in my head), I stoped talking to my parents as I realized that I am really mad at them and now I am learning how to take the responsibility for my emotions and feelings. Today is April 16th, 2021, 2 weeks before my 23rd birthday and I am doing a lot better now than I ever did since my story started, I finally feel some loving energy, I started going to the gym everyday, I am about to open another studio and a school! I will keep you updated once another important event will happen in my life!
Thank you very much for your time and hope you are enjoying your life!
Best wishes,
Anastasia
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